I was raised as a Christian Scientist (I have not met any other atheists with this

background, which sort of surprises me).  Quick note about Christian Scientists:

they believe that the material world does not exist.  They also take literally the

“God created everything and it was good” part of the bible, which means they believe

there is no pain or evil, it is all just an illusion (like the material world).  So,

imagine being three years old and falling down and scraping your knee, and your

parents tell you “You’re not hurt”.  Not in a “there, there it’s not so bad” kind of

way, but in terms of “pain doesn’t exist but if you acknowledge it, you give the

illusion power, therefore do not acknowledge it”.  So as a kid I was very very

confused.  In addition to these weird beliefs, they also hold the standard weird

Christian beliefs, and I remember arguing with my Sunday school teachers about

passages in the bible (the prodigal son was one that stuck in my gullet).  I always

thought there was something wrong with me because I did not feel the presence of god

like everyone around me seemed to.

Unfortunately, I didn’t just scrape my knee as a kid but was sexually abused by my

maternal grandfather.  Couldn’t tell anyone though, because evil does not exist,

right?

Fast forward to post-college, when I finally got out of Christian Science, I tried

various other forms of Christianity, searching for someone, wanting there to be

someone watching out for me.  Which I’d also wished for as a kid, but to no avail.

I got involved in a twelve step program too, which was very big on a Higher Power,

and I kept trying for years to feel the presence that wasn’t there.

Years later, I developed adult-onset epilepsy and had years of seizures, then had to

have brain surgery to stop them.  There is nothing like facing death to make you

take a good look at your life. I realized that maybe there was not something wrong

with me, maybe just maybe, there was no “presence” there to be felt.  What a relief,

I wasn’t broken and unloved after all!

I am very grateful to those who blog and tweet about atheism, as they have allowed

me to join a community of others who have stepped outside the bounds of god-belief.

After a lifetime of feeling like the one puzzle piece that did not fit, I am no

longer alone.